Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize