Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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