I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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