I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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