You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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