I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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