I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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