fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
