the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize