I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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