I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize