onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
