I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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