we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
