dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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