Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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