Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize