he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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