i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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