I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize