This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
