Don't you send me to vm
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
