I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
