Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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