I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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