i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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