we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
