Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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