I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
