she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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