the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
