dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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