I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
