Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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