Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
