I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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