I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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