just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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