Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
