I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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