i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my shit smells like andre
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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