Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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