He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
