my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
