So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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