Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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