thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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