you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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