ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
