3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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