i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
