Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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