When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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