My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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