And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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