I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
