Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I have post one night stand depression
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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