If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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