my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
