I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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