I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
