I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
