he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize