we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
