I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Randomize
